Long Tall Sally

29 January 2009 by Layne.

I don’t get out much. I suspect this is why my friend Bob (actually his wife Krystal) has been trying for months to set me up on a blind date with (I’m told) a very special friend of theirs named Sally. I am basically a private person and being single certainly has it’s advantages but sharing your love with someone who loves you back is a special feeling and I guess I’ve been missing that feeling more and more lately. So, after careful consideration (and more than a couple of beers with Bob), I decided to man up and agree to the blind date.

Our shared Shrimp Cocktail is fantastic (she even insisted I eat the 5th and final shrimp) and then it happened. She asked me where I worked. I answered vaguely and could tell she wasn’t impressed. This seemed to add fuel to her inquisitor fire and she let loose with what seemed to me to be something akin to what the detainees at Gitmo must go through…
Have you ever been married? No.
Do you have any kids? Not that I’m aware of.
How many jobs have you had? Seven.
Have you always lived here? No, I’ve moved many times.
What TV shows do you watch? You mean, which don’t I watch.
Where do your parents live? Somewhere in Idaho - we don’t stay in touch.
Do you have any brothers and sisters? Five brothers - seven sisters.
Where do they live? Beats me.
What would you do if Scott Baio walked in right now? Not a damn thing.
Ever use illegal drugs? No, but I can tell you there is quite a profit in selling them.
Do you smoke? Not since you got here.
Do you travel much? None of your business.
Do you live in a house or an apartment? House.
Is that your second drink? I guess so.
Do you own the house? Do any of us really “own” anything?
Have you ever been to an IKEA? Not since the incident.
Boxers or briefs? Commando.
Do you use the snooze button in the morning? No, can’t quite figure it out.
Don’t you think cell phones are just a fad? That’s a pretty stupid question don’t you think?
Do you go to church? If by “church” you mean place of worship then no.
Do you own any real estate? Disneyland - but only the third parking spot in the “Goofy” section.
What are your hobbies? Does Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder count?
How long have you known Bob and Krystal? Since the accident.
Don’t you just love their triplets Bob Jr, Rob and Bobby? Who?
What kind of car do you drive? ‘71 Chevy Vega - only six payments left till it’s mine.
Isn’t that your third drink? No, I had one when you went to the can.
Are you close to your mother? You mean sexually?
What size shoes do you wear? 9 and 10 and a half.
Have you ever been to a foreign country? I spent a night in Paris, Texas once.
Can you cook? Do I look like a woman to you?
Do you go out to movies much? Does porn count?
Don’t you think Angie and Brad should adopt a baby from Darfur? Who are Angie and Brad?
How do you feel about plastic surgery? Only if you’re working your way through college.
Home school, private school or public school? Public - kids need to learn how to fight these days.
What is with the price of gas these days? How the hell would I know?
What is your favorite color? Plaid.
Which side of the bed do you like to sleep on? The clean side.
Don’t you think President Obama is the most handsome president ever? No. I’ve always felt Van Buren had a certain undeniable sexiness about him.
Do you think Elvis is really dead? Who cares. Hip hop rules!
Four! Are you an alcoholic? Actually five, you missed one remember. Also, this is a double so I guess it’s really six. You got a problem with that?
Do you dream in color? Only my violent ‘Nam flashbacks are in color.
Any history of heart attack in your family? Oh yeah, bunches.
Do you know any martial arts? No, but I’m packing heat if you need it.
Isn’t antique shopping fun? Again, do I look like a woman to you?
Why was Charles Manson so darn angry? Not sure…I’ll ask him when we’re IM’ing tonight.

This went right on through the main course (Filet for me, Grilled Snapper with Mango for her) and much to my chagrin rolled right into dessert.

$175 bucks (with tip) and no second date. I’ve replayed the evening over and over in my head and I can’t quite put my finger on exactly what went wrong. Maybe I should have protected certain information about myself. I mean, I totally underestimated her ability to exploit my weaknesses. I guess I never really thought about how vulnerable I was or the risk I was taking on this blind date. Next time I’m totally going to come up with some ways to protect myself and who knows…maybe I’ll even get a second date.

Keep the Faith!
Revelator

Long Tall Sally - Little Richard

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