Alright now settle down, settle down. Everyone take your seats and let’s get this thing started. Plenty of room up front folks…come on down - don’t be shy. That’s right - fill in all the seats. And you guys leaving the extra seat open like you do in the theater…that’s not gonna fly in here; move it on over. Doesn’t mean your dating just cuz your elbows touch. Oh come on! Who’s cell was that? You? Well ain’t you special… Everyone, I would like you to meet that one special person to whom the rules don’t apply. Could a couple of you gentlemen who abided by the rules please escort this gentleman to the door, take his badge and fling him into the new falling snow? Thank you very much. Dutch? Could you make sure to terminate his security clearance please? Thanks.

Boys, this is serious business and you will either follow my rules or….well, you’ve seen what happens when you don’t follow the rules.

Where’s my clicker? Thanks. Slide, the first - here’s your target. Surprised? Wondering just what the hell is going on here? Well, wipe those stunned looks off your faces cuz this is indeed your target and we have a very small window of opportunity to grab this guy and that time is fast approaching.

So your saying to yourself; “I’ve seen this guy a thousand times - I could walk half a block from here and just grab him.” Yes, you could grab him…but it wouldn’t be him. Remember when we found out that Saddam had look-a-likes attending meetings and such in his stead? Well, this guy has taken this strategy to insane new levels. In our estimation he has over 27,000 doubles working all over the world and trust me when I tell you we don’t have the budget to round them all up and run DNA tests on each one so we need to figure out just how to get the real one; something people have been trying to do for long about two hundred years now. Oh, he’s crafty this one - don’t ever underestimate this man.

And here’s the worst thing about this guy - he understands our intelligence systems and how to manipulate those. Wait there is one more thing - he see’s what you are doing. Some how he has each and everyone of you under surveillance 24 hours a day. For example, he knows that you are here now and later he’ll know what you are doing too. It is very hard to track a target like that let me tell you.

Back to the intel systems - he’s on to us. How do we know? Here’s how:

1. We know exactly what he looks like and we can’t find him.
2. We know exactly what he wears and we can’t find him.
3. We know exactly who his wife is but no one has ever actually seen her.
4. We know where he lives but we can’t actually find it.
5. We know exactly what he drives but we can’t find that either.
6. We know exactly when he will be out among us yet we can’t find him.
7. We know is flight routes but still can’t shoot him down.
8. We know who works for him but no one has ever seen one of his employees.

So, we know everything about this guy and yet for all our efforts no one can find him and bring him in. That is why your were brought here. You are the best of the best in your fields and we think if anyone can find this guy it will be someone in this room. Let me add that I think the one mil we’re offering as a reward just might incentivize each of you a bit.

Fellow OPSECers, I was thinking about Santa this morning and I’ve come to the conclusion that Santa must have the best OPSEC program EVER! How else can you explain items 1-8 above? Seriously. Dude has it mastered. Sure, NORAD follows him every year but still no one has been able to shoot him down. I’m just saying…
You find another program that protects info better than this and I’ll put you right at the top of my Christmas List.

Keep the Faith!
Revelator

‘Zat You, Santa Claus? - Louis Armstrong (and many others)